“Mommy why are you crying?” The small voice took me by surprise. The emotions of the past few weeks had just overtaken me and I couldn’t control the tears.

 “Isaiah,” I replied through the sobs, “shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“Yes, but I’m thirsty.” (A common excuse to delay bedtime in our house)

As I go to get him a glass of water, he asks again, “Why are you crying mommy?”

“Oh mommy is just having a hard time,” I say, hoping that answer would suffice.

“You need Jesus’ Spirit mommy if you’re having a hard time.” he boldly states. (no doubt he has heard that same statement to him many times before.)

I couldn’t help but smile and completely agree, “You are so right son, mommy definitely needs Jesus’ Spirit.”

The past few weeks in Cameroon have probably been the most uncomfortable I ever been and surprisingly it has nothing to do with being 37 weeks pregnant. It has caused me many times to cry out to God, “You’re asking too much Lord, this is too hard.” I can’t even count how many times I’ve told my loving husband, “I want to go home, please take us back home.”

Life here has been difficult and uncomfortable so far. We’ve been battling a roach infestation in our kitchen, ants are uncontrollable here so food has to be in a tight container or ziplocked, and apparently spiders like to lay their eggs in ovens  (which we had an egg hatch last week in our oven and spiders were everywhere). Roaches, and Ants, and Spiders, Oh my!!!

Thankfully these things are temporary, well we pray and hope. Things not temporary and maybe more uncomfortable and hard to see are the tremendous physical needs of the people here. It’s uncomfortable for me to walk with my children on the streets or in the market and to see how much nicer their clothes are compared to the other children. It’s uncomfortable for me to be the rich white family, where I can easily spend more on groceries in a week that is more than most people here make in months. It’s uncomfortable for me to ask the children playing in our yard to go home because it’s time for our children to come in and eat dinner, and I’m unsure if these children will actually have any food for dinner. The lists of feeling uncomfortable could go on.

Again, I cry out, “Lord this too hard. You’re asking to much.”

My flesh just wants to go back to what is comfortable and honestly ignore what I see around me. And maybe I’m not alone. In John 21, Peter has gone back to the comforts of fishing after Jesus’ death and resurrection, unsuccessfully as we see. And Jesus shows up, and not only tells him how to catch an enormous number of fish, but ultimately tells him that his life is no longer his own. That he will shepherd God’s children and die for God’s glory.

So I begin to wrestle with this truth. Is the Lord asking too much? What is He asking for? He is asking for my life. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.” And truthfully I’m having a hard time giving Him my life. So as my 4 year old wisely stated “You need Jesus’ Spirit mommy if you’re having a hard time.” I begin to cry out, “Lord I need you, I need your Spirit.”

Thank you everyone for your texts, emails, and phone calls. Please continue to pray for wisdom for our many ministry opportunities here. Emory has had a small rash on her neck please pray for her healing. And please pray for our new baby boy coming (due on November 7).  I’m so thankful for your encouraging thoughts and prayers.